Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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