I looked at my own cervix.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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