Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
