The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
