It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
