Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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