i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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