I wish I could teleport
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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