i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
