Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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