i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
