just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
