4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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