I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
