Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
