i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
