I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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