How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The struggles of a small town man whore
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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