To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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