What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
