Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
