Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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