i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
