I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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