I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
