I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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