I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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