Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
