i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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