Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
