Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My bed smells like the plague
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
