I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
