dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
