I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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