mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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