Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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