if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
