Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
