I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
