if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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