I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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