I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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