I will die if light touches me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
