she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
