its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
