with your own penis?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
