if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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