I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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