Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I could make wine with my vomit
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
