I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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