Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
