Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
