I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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