your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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