My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
