if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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