So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
