is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
