The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
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my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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