i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
