Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
