I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
